Prior to the move, I had all of these expectations of what the year would hold. I imagined myself flourishing in my new surroundings, picking up the language with ease, and being unplagued by desires of returning home. This was far from reality.
Within my first week of being in El Salvador, I was confused why God had brought me here and how He was going to use a little white English-speaking girl like me. I wish I could say that I know the answer to that question now, but I don't.
This past year has been hard. I've been stretched in ways I didn't know were possible. For example, while most of my friends are experiencing life on their own for the first time, I am subjected to the authority of 3 young adults, no older than the age of 25; and many times, I don't agree with their decisions or rules. I have never been so monitored and had so little liberties in my life. Also it is my desire to disciple young girls, but those opportunities are stunted by my lack of Spanish. I find myself often thinking that I would be much more useful back in the States, where there isn't a language barrier.
Much of this year, has felt like ramming my head into a brick wall in hopes of somehow moving it, even just an inch. So many of my prayers come back down to this one question, "God what am I doing here?" When will I see His hand in all of this? When will I feel like I'm being affective to the furthering of His Kingdom? I just seem to be waiting for Him to answer.
Then last night during the New Year's service, Emma (one of my teammates) and I, were passing around a basket filled with different verses for the congregation to meditate on as we transitioned into the New Year. At the end, I plucked a little slip of paper from the pile. I unfolded it to find Isaiah 41:10.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10
Dismayed: sudden or complete loss of courage; utter disheartenment.
Praise God for being sovereign! Dismayed.. there is no better word to describe my state these last few months. My questions and confusions over this past year had built up and clouded my mind and heart, stripping me of my confidence that God had brought me here and was using me in His divine plan. But this verse, these two short sentences, shatters all of those fears and conquers my disheartenment.
Does it answer all of my questions? Nope, not at all. But the promises in this verse give me the strength to trust my God, and gives me the power to be obedient to His commands in my life. The 'righteous right hand of God' is upholding me! He personally is promising to strengthen and help me! This leaves no room for fear or dismay. These words are what I want to be my source of energy for this year.
Reader, I don't know where you are. I don't know what you are going through. But cling on to these promises. Again, they might not answer your questions but know that God is with you and is strengthening you.
God Bless
